Reaching My Limit

Make a Wish- The Going Away Party

Gabriella had her Make a Wish "Going Away Party" last night.  It was held at our local "fun center"...bowling, arcade, and mini golf were all on the agenda, as was pizza and an ice cream cake.  We hadn't told the girls about the party at all.  They wanted to go to the park that night, since it was actually a sunny, not-too-windy day here, the first in about 3 years it feels like.  It worked out that they wanted to get "beautified" before going to the park so before we left they took time to put on nice dresses and fix their hair.

We walked in still not telling them about the party.  Aleah figured it out when she saw our Wish granters come in their Make a Wish t-shirts....she squeeled and ran up and gave each of them a hug!  It took Gabriella a little longer to connect everything.  While waiting for the last guests to arrive, the girls had a ton of fun playing at the arcade.  We had trouble getting them to come back to the suite to eat supper until I told Gabriella that she could probably open up her backpack.  When we had set our stuff down in our party room the girls had noticed two backpacks sitting there.  Gabriella goes "You mean those backpacks are for us?!?"  Yes, she's a little slow sometimes.  Maybe it's all the drugs she's had?

So before we ate both girls grabbed their backpacks and tore into them.  The place they chose to open them made it hard to get good pictures....but each girl got a blanket that matched their backpack as well as color wonders, disposible cameras and some sunscreen, notebooks, etc.  Gabriella also got some flip-flops and sunglasses and THE Make-a-Wish Barbie.  (She's already been safety hidden til such a time comes that Gabriella can play with a Barbie without maiming it.)

Both girls ate a piece of pizza (there were also a huge platter of nachos!) and then Gabriella was all about trying on her backpack and looking through all her stuff.  Supper was topped off with a Coldstone Ice Cream Cake, Princess of course (and was SO good.)  After supper we started a game of bowling, in a lovely private lane we had.  However, the girls lasted through one frame before deciding they wanted to play more games.  The rest of the adults finished their bowling game while the girls and I played at the arcade and picked out some crap, er, prizes.  We never got to mini-golf, as by this time it was after the girls' bedtime.  We said lots of goodbyes and thank yous and the girls left pretty elated, armed with balloons, leftover cake, gifts, and $20 left in arcade cards for another day!  We also left with our Make a Wish Packet which had our Expense Check, all our reservations and confirmation numbers, and a free DVD and Birnbaum Guide to Disney World.  It was a wonderful night, and the girls left SO excited for their upcoming adventure! 

 
 

Dance Mom

The last few weeks have been crazy hectic and filled with one thing...Dance!  Aleah competed in her first dance competition on Mother's Day weekend, and both girls participated in dance recitals this past weekend.  Gabriella in one recital, and Aleah in two recitals-- NONE of which overlapped.  So that was 9 hours of the *actual recital going on*, not counting hair, make-up, and driving time.  I worked backstage, sold flowers, ran up and down stairs countless times.  My daughter and I were up at SIX AM on a Saturday doing hair and make-up.  And honestly?  I LOVED it.  I would do it all again next weekend! 

Even more surprising to me than how much I enjoyed myself (I was truly having nightmares over applying the make-up and the false eyelashes) was how Aleah took to it all.  She almost seemed like a different girl these last few weekends.  She was poised, mature, and didn't whine once during the entire time we were in "dance mode".  She was respectful and cheerful, albeit a bit anal.  (She was sure she needed to start getting ready about an hour before we really did.)  It was as if something about preforming and competing made her grow up, right before my very eyes.  It was almost fascinating to watch this child who can't for the life of her pick up her cereal bowl in the morning, pack her own bag and keep track of where her class was when.  And the best part had to be when she was lining up for her first competitive dance.  She looked me square in the eye and said with fierce determination "Mom.  I want to WIN."  I was almost taken aback, as while the teachers surely let them know their being judged they by no means push "winning".  No, that was all Aleah's personality shining through.  I became teary many times over the last two weekends. The tears were about more than how beautiful she looked (she was!) and what a great job she did dancing (she did!).  The tears were from watching dance turn my sometimes-spoiled, too-often-whiny little girl into a mature, responsible young woman.  If only for a weekend!

So next year I will again pay for her to be in dance...not just in 2 classes but 3.  I'll buy Aleah the overpriced Team Jacket and I'll be in the stands with my personalized "dance mom" shirt on.  (And if I'm feeling really inspired, perhaps they'll end up Rhinestoned.)  And we will pay to do competitions (times THREE) and watch her in her recital (times FIVE) and not complain...not one bit! 

Before I end this post, my husband also deserves a kudos for the last weekends.  He drove, he sat, he cheered.  He put up with a slightly-frazzled wife, tended to a 4 year old, and video-taped.  He  discussed the intricacies of dance competition politics with our teacher's mother and even mended Aleah's torn costume strap at 11:30pm on a Saturday.  I'm sure he'd much prefer to be sitting at a Little League game.  But he not only does all of the above, he does it with a smile and doesn't complain.  Our girls are truly lucky to have him as a dad.

 

 

Make a Wish- Walt Disney World

 

Since yesterday I shared the somewhat boring process of Make a Wish, I figured today it would be more fun to share the actual details of Gabriella’s trip!  (I’ll also try to let you know what parts of the trip seem to be standard among ALL Make a Wish Chapters in the US, and which are specific to Minnesota.)

First, Gabriella will be blessed with several surprises before she even gets on the plane to Florida!  Our Granters have contacted us and asked to give Gabriella a Going Away Party!  They stated they usually like to “go out somewhere” for the party and asked us to start thinking of some places Gabriella might like to go.  More details on that come once we've decided where to go.  From what I understand, some MAW Chapters do the going away party and others do not.  If you do get one, this is often when they give you your tickets, expense check, etc.  Then because we live a ways from the airport, the day before we depart, MAW is putting us up at the Radisson and the Waterpark of America!  The girls will be able to play at the Waterpark the night before to their hearts content.  Hopefully it will wear them out so they can go to bed early because our plane is departing at 7am the next day!  Ouch!  Luckily we won’t have to be too conscious in the morning because a Limo will be picking us up and taking us to the airport!  (Since I haven’t gotten final papers, I’m assuming this is all subject to change, but it’s the information given to me over the phone.)

Once we arrive in Orlando, we are given a rental car and directions to Give Kids the World, the resort where we will be staying during our trip to Orlando.  Almost all Make a Wish kids will stay here if they wish to visit Disney World or Universal Orlando.  At Give Kids the World you get what is basically your own 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom duplex for the week!  You are able to have a full kitchen and a washer and dryer and plenty of space to relax.  All the food is free at Give Kids the World, and that includes Ice Cream for breakfast and pizza delivery at night.  They also have plenty of activities on site to keep the kids entertained....think pools, horseback riding, arcade and a kids spa!  Aleah saw some pictures of Give Kids the World on their website and she instantly started begging to go there!   Give Kids the World has made arrangements with the local theme parks to get you not only tickets, but also front of the line passes, to all the 3 major theme parks as well as several other local attractions and shows.  All kids (regardless of whether their wish was the visit Disney World or Universal) receive a 3 day park hopper pass to Walt Disney World, a 2 day park hopper pass to Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure, and a 1 day pass to Sea World.  And we’ve been told to expect lots of surprises along with the way.  In fact, they even tell you to bring an extra suitcase with you to get all those surprises home!  We're also excited to be able to meet up with another Minnesota Make-a-Wish family while we're down there.  We met on the DIS Boards through the incredible Make a Wish board they have on there, and as luck would have it our trips will overlap!  We're praying for good health and good Florida weather for the coming month!

Make a Wish - The Process

 
I am excited to share that we got a call a couple weeks ago that Gabriella’s Wish was approved.  She is going to Walt Disney World!!!  Right now I’m still trying to decide how and when to tell the girls. Trying to think of something fun and creative but nothing's coming to me.  (Ideas anyone?)  For anyone out there searching for information about the Make a Wish process like I (obsessively) was, I want to include some details that might be helpful.

After the Wish Granters came to our home they told us they had to send Gabriella's paperwork in to be approved and it would be 2-4 weeks before we would hear something back.  We were just heading into week 5 of waiting when we got the call that her Wish was approved!  They told us we would be hearing from a Wish Coordinator (an employee of our Make a Wish office) who would be discussing dates and more specific details with us.  They also asked us to clarify our preferred travel dates…this May/June or next October.  Now this was a hard one.  Normally, October would be our first choice.  HOWEVER, we still have “the baby thing” hanging out there.  What if we plan it for October and I’m pregnant?  I’m not a very healthy pregnant person and I don’t want to be sick and tired on a once-in-a-lifetime-trip.  We’d have probably gotten in about 6 months of fertility treatments by then, so by October I determined I would probably either be pregnant or really depressed and ready to go on vacation.  Yet I felt really guilty saying May or June, as in “I want to go right now!!!!” like a whiny little child.  As I was hemming and hawing, our Granter told us the sooner the better for them, as they’d rather get things booked and going, so we said yes to May/June being our first choice. 

After we got word the Wish was approved, things moved FAST.  I got a call from the Coordinator the next day!  She let me know that June was completely booked and had been for 6 months, with families waiting until school got out to travel.  BUT, they had several dates open in May.  She asked us when we could travel and I told her anytime after May 15.  She also asked us a few questions about how far we were away from the airport, did we want a rental car, and did Gabriella need any special medical equipment.  I also asked about bringing an extra adult along with us (at our expense of course) and she stated that was no problem!  The coordinator said she’d do some checking and get back to us.  Well, she called back within 24 hours with dates and wanted to book it all immediately!  Unfortunately, due to the unknown-baby-status at that point, I told her I couldn’t say yes till next week.  I explained the whole situation and she was wonderful about it.  She told me she had been through infertility treatments herself, and that whatever happened, they would work with us to find the best travel time for our family.  For anyone wondering, once your child is approved for a Wish, they’re approved.  Even if you need to postpone a trip for a year or two they will never “lose it”!

By the next week, we had everything booked.  So just to prepare you, from the time we found out we were approved to the time we were completely booked was a week!  Now I’m not saying every wish will go that fast, but I think it’s typical for the Disney Trips because their pretty quick to set up.  They simple have to verify when there’s an opening at Give Kids The World and make sure there’s plane tickets to get you down there, and they have an awesome travel agent who does all of that fast!!  Adding on the extra person to travel with us was extremely easy as well.  We simply provided Make a Wish with her full name and birth date and she was added to our reservations at Give Kids the World.  After our airfare was confirmed, we simply called the travel agent directly and booked the extra plane ticket over the phone.  Other than airfare, we just need to purchase her park tickets, which we won’t do until we’re in Orlando.

All in all, it has been a very easy process and everyone we have encountered has been wonderful.  The only odd part is you get a “hurry up and wait” kind of sense going through it.  There is lots of waiting- first to verify your child is eligible for the Wish, and then waiting to make sure your child’s Wish is approved.  But once those “approvals” come through, the staff works very hard to move everything through very quickly.  It has been an exciting process, and to be honest I’m a little overwhelmed that everything came together so quickly!  Stay tuned as I hope to post the fun details of her trip soon!   

Infertility- The Cadillac of Health Care

Well, we have delved deeper into the Infertility World.  We had a little bit of testing to finish this month (and one last cycle of trying “on our own”).  Next month things start in earnest with HSG testing, Blood Work, Ultrasounds, and Clomid.  I keep thinking this should feel weird to me, but in general it hasn’t.  I’m pretty calm about it, with the exception of this panic that overtakes me when it’s time for the actual testing to occur.  I want them to find something they can fix, but I want it to be an easy fix!!!  I seem to have some pretty strong anxiety that one of these many tests will end with the doctor telling me something along the lines of “You will never be able to have children again”.

I read a lot about people going through Infertility Treatments feeling really uncomfortable about it all- the meds and tests, talking to the doctors about such private things, having to do things in a doctor’s office that are normally only done in the privacy of your own home. My husband even keeps reminding me that this is all “weird”. (And to be fair, I agree his part is a little more weird.  Driving down the road with a cup of sperm tucked next to your body to keep it warm?  Weird.)  But the testing and meds and procedures….it all feels pretty normal to me.  I decided that must be due to Gabriella.  She has obviously desensitized me to doctor’s office and medical procedures.  In fact, when I came home from my initial appointment, one of the things I was most excited to tell my husband about was the service you get when you become an Infertility Patient.  Infertility appears to be the Cadillac of Health Care.  I had an hour and a half appointment with them just talking to me…history, what to do and not do, formulating a plan, answering all my questions and concerns, debating various options.  Then I’m given a PRIVATE number for only Infertility Patients.  It goes directly to the two nurses who will be treating me (along with my specialist.)  No phone tree, no pressing 1 for English, no random person taking a message and not calling me back.  Then, I’m given an on-call number for these same two nurses.  It’s 5pm on Friday and the pharmacy’s having a problem with my meds?  I call them, they fix it.  They will schedule all my appointments and testing for me.  I need blood drawn on a Saturday…the lab will be open for ME.  I need an ultrasound scheduled immediately?  They have the first of the day appointments at the Ultrasound Clinic reserved for Infertility Patients…she tells me they could have me in 7:30am tomorrow!  (Which seems only fair.  I have to walk past all your big pregnant bellies every time I'm in the waiting room.  The least I should get is a good ultrasound time!)  Test results are back the same day, all I have to do is call.  She stated they’ll never just tell me my results are “fine” or “good” but I’ll be given every value as well as the normal range for every test run.  I’ve already some interactions with my nurses and let me tell you, they are good and FAST.  You need something, it appears to have been done before you even hang up the phone!  I have never experienced service like this before at any Clinic we’ve been to (don’t even get me started on Hospitals) and I’m worried I’m going to get a little spoiled. 

Now, keep in mind this level of service comes with a price (and a meeting with the business manager to be reminded that if you fall behind on your bills, AT ALL, you will not even be able to be seen!)  But it makes me wonder about the future of health care.  Will our system ever evolve into this?  Where those who can afford to pay get nothing short of Concierge-style service and those who can't are left waiting weeks to be granted a needed surgery or even to be seen by an MD?  I think it's already started and I fear we're headed down a scary road.  I've read of doctors who have started practicing "Concierge medicine" or "Boutique medicine" and as Medicaid and Medicare assistance payments continue to stagnate and decline I think more of these will continue to pop up.  It will be interesting to see how our country tries to handle the looming health care crisis.  In the meantime, I will be enjoying my "at my beck-and-call" nurses for as long as I am able to have them!

Making the Wish

I am behind in posting an update on our Make a Wish journey.  I had told myself I was going to document this thoroughly for all the other OCD parents out there who are struggling to find out information about Make a Wish and the Wish Process.

First, it took a little while for our wish to get "assigned".  They told us we should be contacted by our granters within 2 weeks, and it took about 4.  But once the Granters called, they came out to our house within the week!  Over the phone they asked what kinds of food and characters the girls liked.

They arrived about 15 minutes early, armed with 2 gift bags for the girls.  The girls were really eyeing the bags, so after introductions were made they gave them their gifts.  Both girls got the same amount of "stuff"....equal bags of candy and some pudding for snacks (to which they both stated "ewww, we don't like pudding ."  Made mental note to explain to them again if they get a gift we don't like, we don't say "ewww".)   They each got a Web-kins and a small puzzle.  Gabriella got a Tangled book and some Ariel jewelry, and Aleah got some other smaller toys I can't remember off the top of my head, and they both got these "capsules" that dissolve in water and a "thing" appears out of them.  They, of course, had to try this immediately, so while the poor Granters were trying to explain things to us, the girls are loudly trying to figure out how to get these slimy capsules to dissolve faster.  Our Granters are exceedingly patient with the chaos that's occurring.

Next came the Interview.  This is where things start to fall apart.  They start by asking you child all kinds of questions about things they like.  First they asked for a favorite color and Gabriella replies "pink".  So far, so good.  Favorite TV show?  "Hanna Montana".  We interrupt saying "You don't watch Hanna Montana!"  Our granter looks at us and asks "Really?"  Really! We tell them her sister doesn't even watch it!  Favorite pet is a fish.  Ok, we do have fish, but she usually raves about how she loves her dogs!  Favorite cake flavor?  Strawberry.  At this point, the poor granters are just looking at us.  I know they're asking in case they bring a cake to her send-off party and I'm thinking they'll never find a strawberry cake somewhere (in their budget), so we ask Gabriella "What about chocolate cake?"  "Or ice cream cake?" the granter asks.  Nope, only Strawberry.  The Granters write down Chocolate and Ice Cream anyway.  Favorite character..."all the Princesses".  What if you had to choose just one, the MOST favorite?  None of them, she liked them all the same! 

At this point, I'm starting to panic inside.  None of these answers she's giving are anything close to the truth.  I'm starting to worry about what in the world will come out of her mouth when they ask for her wish.  Thankfully, when the time comes and they ask "If you had ONE wish in the whole world, what would it be?"  She answered "Go to Disney World".  She could not, however, tell them WHY she wants to go to Disney World.  We asked and asked and asked.  "Who do you want to meet?  What do you want to ride?"  No response. Before they came we'd watch videos of Disney and looked at pictures...and yet nothing.  She'd told us tons of things. "I want to meet fairies, I want to ride Dumbo."  The latest was "I want to meet Mickey and give him my (stuffed) Mickey."  Nope, she wouldn't even agree to wanting to do any of those.  She did give a second wish as "Mickey's Boat" which our male Granter correctly interpreted as a Disney Cruise.  At this point I think they'd given up as they just turned to us and asked "What might she want to do on a cruise?"  We were also required to pick a non-travel wish, and after much debate they put down games like bubble hockey or foosball, since the girls loved playing those games at the Ronald McDonald House.  Gabriella said she didn't want a play set and couldn't come up with anything else.

The granters told us how amazing the Disney trips are, and that she would have a wonderful time.  They were encouraging yet careful to never promise us anything.  At this point the questioning was pretty much over and the girls played upstairs while Kevin and I completed the paperwork which was pretty short and painless.  We requested dates for the trip of late May, next October, or next April.  They told us they would mail off the application the next day, and after that it's a waiting game to hear from Make a Wish if it was actually approved.  They cautioned us it could take 2-4 weeks to hear something back, and encouraged us to be patient.  I think the whole interview lasted about an hour and a half.  That was about 2 weeks ago, and we're still waiting to hear something.     

The Universe is Laughing at Me

We have been quite sick at my house lately.  And by lately, I don't mean the last week or two.  I mean since January, the BEGINNING of January.  Every week, someone in our house has been sick.  You name it, it's gone through our house...puking, colds, strep, muscle aches, flu's.  Gabriella, true to form, even came down with HSP, a rare disease where the chief complaints are severe joint pain and systemic vasculitis which caused her a rash, swelling, and bruising.  (Rare as in 10-20 kids out of 100,000 get it.  The girl is a sure winner when it comes to the medical lottery of rare diseases.)  We had to take her in to the Doctor twice before they came up with the correct diagnosis.  By the time they finally diagnosed Gabriella, she was in so much pain she couldn't move a finger without crying.  She was on a diet of Ibuprofen for over 2 weeks before we made it through a day without pain meds.  We no more than got Gabriella mobile again and weaned off of pain meds when Aleah came down with a cold and sinus infection which she sweetly shared with me and her father, ushering in March and month THREE of illness. 

But it's not enough to have been sick.  I've already shared here that my husband and I have been trying for awhile now to get pregnant.  I noticed that the last three months, I have gotten sick the exact time I am supposed to ovulate.  Like clockwork, about 2 days before I expect to ovulate, the illness box is checked on my chart.  It's as if the Universe is laughing at me, going "You want to try and make a baby???  Ha!  Take that."  It seems so needlessly cruel. 

Then last night, I fell on our stairs.  I have no idea how, I wasn't carrying anything and there was no one around me, but I still ended up on my butt.  HARD.  Straight on my tailbone (which my husband remembered the "technical" name of only because it sounds like a slang word for male genitalia, proving that men really never do grow up.)  Ever since falling, I have been in severe pain.  There is no treatment for a bruised (or even broken) tailbone other than pain meds.  Well, not knowing if I am pregnant right now or not, I am only allowed to take Tylenol, which really does nothing to help your butt.  AND, I still have my cold.  And let me tell you, when you sneeze with an injured tailbone, you SCREAM.  You also scream while bending, standing up, turning in your sleep, and sitting, and supposedly I'm told this takes weeks (like, six!) to really heal.  Being sick while having a broken tailbone and not able to take any medications?  UNIVERSE. FREAKIN'. LAUGHING.

So right now, I am sitting here, trying very hard not to cough so as not to aggravate my butt, and trying to figure out how I have managed to so offend the Universe, and what in the world I need to do to get back on her good side! 

Minnesota Amnesia

I have not been in the greatest mood lately.  This happens every year, about this time.  People in other areas of the country are going on with their lives in February....snuggling with their Valentines or planning their upcoming Spring Break.  Me?  I am simply trying to control the intense RAGE I feel at Minnesota this time of year.  I question my sanity and wonder WHY for-the-love-of-everything-that-is-good, do I live here???  My husband used to travel "down South" for work in the winter, and he'd always return with stories of people in Elevators who hear a storm report for Minnesota and mutter "Why would anyone live there?"  Great question.  Right now, I have NO idea!!!  Every year, Mid-February is the limit of my sanity.  The cold, the snow, cancelled activities, SICK kids, time off work, lack of sunlight and Vitamin D that doesn't come in a bottle.  I can't take it anymore.  I intensely want to throw myself on the floor, kick, scream, and have the mother of all tantrums that TWELVE INCHES of snow fell on us this weekend.  TWELVE INCHES of pure Hell to my delicate psyche.  I intensely want to move...right now, this very minute, to somewhere....anywhere where the air temperature is above 50. 

Yet, I won't.  I will stay here.  About the time I'm ready to check myself into the mental ward, nature will start to tease me with the occasional day of sunny 50 degree weather.  Spring will come, followed by summer, and some strange form of amnesia will come over me and I'll forget I live in what right now is my personal Hell.  By August, I'll start waxing nostalgic about white Christmases, kids making snow angels, and hot chocolate in front of the fire.  It will have hit me, in full swing.  Minnesota Amnesia.  Oh, it's a real thing, believe me.  Ask any Minnesotan you might meet on your winter vacation.  They are easy to find.  They're the ones giddy with excitement walking around in shorts and t-shirts during one of those "unseasonable cold spells" you people from down South experience when the thermometer drops below 50!      

CHD and Relationships

This is posted as part of the blog linking event Every Heart Has a Story ~ How CHD Affects the Relationships in Your Life.

How does having a child with a Congenital Heart Defect affect your relationships? When I read this question, I couldn't help but think of how this CHD journey has affected my marriage. One of two things seem to happen to couples when they face adversity ….it either brings them closer together or it drives them apart. For me and my husband, this journey most certainly brought us closer together. Facing the thought of losing my child, I really had no one else who could support me in that. If I still had my mom with me, I imagine she would have been a great source of strength and support for me. But as it was, it was just Kevin and I facing this battle. I know some people have these really great and supportive families. We’ve seen pictures of these families on the day of their child’s open heart surgery…waiting rooms filled with family and friends holding vigil with them, bringing them food, praying with them. We never had that. People called and sent cards, but as far as the “We’ll drop everything and run up there to stand by your side through this” variety….nope, didn’t have that. I think that made us rely on each other so much more. For the first surgery, we did have one person who came to stay with us for most of the day, our Pastor. He later told us (years later) that when he left us that night, he called his wife and told her “No one should have to go through that alone.” I don’t know that it even occurred to us at the time that we were alone. We knew we had each other, and that was all that seemed important at the time. We have always had a wonderful way of balancing each other, and that gift seemed to be magnified after having Gabriella. When I would lose it and flyoff the handle, he would be there beside me perfectly patient and calm. On the flip side, on the days when he was too tired or depressed to process anything more, I would have a renewed sense of energy to continue on. The day Gabriella was diagnosed we both were in a state of shock and despair. But ever since that day, I cannot think of a time when we both "lost it" at the same time. It just didn't happen.

While I do think Gabriella's journey has brough us closer together over the years, I also think it's something people tend to romanticize. You hear them waxing on about how it brought them closer together, to this new level of understanding and committment. Sure, it does that…eventually. But people never mention there’s a whole lot of Hell that happens in between there. Living under the stress of multiple surgeries and questionable prognoses, you at some point take that stress out on the person you love the most. You don’t mean to and you feel bad about it, but there are days when you can’t hold it in anymore, and you explode on the person closest to you….your spouse (or worse, your other children). For moms at least, there are nights, weeks, even months, where romance is the last thing on your mind, and it’s hard to overcome losing that physical connection. There’s usually some anger or resentment when your spouse isn’t reacting to something the way you think they should. Again for moms, I think we sometimes see our husband’s more emotional detachment from the situation and assume that means they don’t care as much. That wonderful, deep relationship you share with your spouse after a journey such as this develops from the immense pain that you are forced to face together. Enduring that pain isn't fun- it hurts. More than you ever imagined you could bear. But if you can both survive and come out on the other side you know that you can face anything.... as long as you're together.

Hopes...The Fertility Journey

This week I was told by one of my mentors that I have to resist the urge to compare myself, or more importantly my life situation, to others.  It was good advice for me, because anytime I start trying to compare my life with others, I ineviatably find myself in the middle of a big 'ol fashioned pity party.  And let me tell you, I can throw QUITE the party!  When I start to look at what I think others have and I start to dwell on all the things I don't, I quickly become a very angry and bitter person.  I don't like myself much when I'm all angry and bitter, so I was somewhat ashamed that last night I let myself slip into pity-party-mode. 

As much work as I've tried to put into positive thinking and a hopeful attitude lately, I can still feel myself starting to spiral down into the "dark place", and it doesn't take me long to get there.  Two minutes on Facebook is usually enough!  I've been trying to figure out what's been so hard for me lately and I think it's the recent hormone prescription and upcoming appointment with the Infertility Specialist.  Both of them seem to signal that "I'm there."  I'm at that place I didn't want to be this time.  The Doctor's Office. 

I spent years in and out of hospitals with my mom, watching her battle cancer.  That led me to hate hospitals.  With my first pregnancy I was sick, on bed rest, and had a traumatic delivery.  This led me to not only hate hospitals but actually have a panic attack when I walked in the front door, and I didn't trust doctors, either.  My second child, I almost lost.  But thanks to hospitals and doctors, she is still here with us, making me laugh every day as she's just so darn goofy.  And the unthinkable happened. Now when I walk through the doors to our hospital, I think "I'm home."  Our Doctors are our extended family. 

But I had really high hopes that this pregnancy, this baby, would be different.  That this baby would help erase the pains of the past.  (Which, I know, isn't fair to put on a poor baby.)  But I still hoped that this time I wouldn't be sick, and the baby wouldn't be sick, we could just have an uneventful pregnancy and delivery and newborn period that a good 90% or more of the population seems to get to enjoy.  That dream seems to be slipping away, though.  Because I'm to That Place.  Needing help to produce the hormones I need to maintain a pregnancy since my body isn't doing it on it's own.  Letting them inject dye into places people shouldn't be touching.  I'm in the darn Doctor's office before this pregnancy even BEGINS.  So slowly, I'm letting go of the vision of a perfect baby, pregnancy, delivery.  Grieving the loss of the dream of how I thought this was supposed to go.  How I wanted it to go.  And until I'm done grieving, I may just need to spend a little less time on Facebook.